Oporto 2014

Sunday 7 September 2014
Oporto Cricket & Lawn Tennis Club 169-9 dec (59 overs)
Surrey Cryptics CC 170 for 6 (41.3 overs)
SCCC won by 4 wickets
Oporto CLTC won toss

Tour Report by Peter Andrew

The largest Cryptics squad (in so many ways) went to Porto for our third tour there on the 50th anniversary of the opening of the Forth Road Bridge. The advance party was eleven, depleted by Grindrod (teaching some 10-yr-olds about littoral drift, or some such) and debutant tourist Richard Atkinson, delayed by a rearranged meeting with the All England Club’s sommelier to agree the Club’s bulk port requirements. The inflated party (ha ha!) had traditional support, as brothers-in-law Bridges and Stu took on the kittybitch role in tandem. KB par excellence Nick Pow, of course, would have snorted with derision at such extravagance. ‘You drink in the club, and eat on the Ribeira. Where’s the workload in that?’. Still, cash was collected, drinks were arranged at Gatwick.

We flew by easyJet, who had ensured that Tommy and PAJ were on opposite sides of the aisle, and pretty much over the wing, to ensure a stable flight. Although we were a trifle concerned that Dwight may have a Portuguese cousin when the pilot executed a last minute go-around after our initial approach. But no Labrador in sight (this all being an obscure reference to our return from Porto in 2009 – see relevant tour report), and we were safely down at the second attempt.

The Oporto Cricket and Lawn Tennis Club (estd. 1855, some 120 years before SCCC) remains a fine institution of slightly faded grandeur, idiosyncratic plumbing and astonishingly cheap drinks. The welcome was mostly very friendly, although we were greeted late one evening by a shotgun-wielding night porter. Something about trouble with local riff-raff. Dirk Bogarde he wasn’t (cinematic reference there for our older readers). Tommy sniffed that ‘it wasn’t a real shotgun. Real shotguns are side-by-side, not over and under.’

Anyway, on Thursday afternoon we were reacquainted with the bar and the pitch, in that order. Thus it was that we played a bizarre single wicket game requiring more choreography than a Busby Berkeley musical, which resulted in victory for Goss. Only the start of his tour glory. We were later joined by skipper Wackford Squeers, who dispelled the rumours about teachers’ pay in the private sector by arriving by tram.

An early start on Friday saw the party, kitted out in splendid tour shirts, assemble at the gloriously decorated Porto railway station. The two-hour journey passed in a flash as we were entertained by Gossy’s mouth on auto-pilot. And auto-replay. Puppy spent the time largely asleep, although was typically charming when awoken with an invitation to show his ticket by some bloke just doing his job. On detraining, we were mobbed by enthusiastic locals selling hats. Only Tommy, mindful of his imminent audition for a Madness tribute band (see photo), succumbed. The ensuing five-hour journey was a sun-drenched cruise down the Douro, much drinking being punctuated by lunch. We finally drank the boat out of beer as we approached our destination. Mirth and entertainment contributed to a good time being had by all. Well, by all Cryptics anyway – not entirely sure what the other 12 passengers thought of their noisier-than-expected excursion. Richard Atkinson arrived that evening and joined us at the bar, in a futile effort to catch up.

Saturday 6 Sep 2014
Oporto Cricket & Lawn Tennis Club 157 all out (43.1 overs)
Surrey Cryptics CC 158 for 6 (46.1 overs)
SCCC won by 4 wickets
Oporto CLTC won toss

Rod kicked this one off with a maiden, and then Gavin snaffled a catch from his second to leave Oporto on 6-1. Not long afterwards, Bridges castled another and we felt comfortable at 19 for 2. A stand of 88 between the belligerent Ali and the doughty Raghu dispelled that comfort, until rain forced a break with the score on 105. Lunch beckoned, but the (home) umpire insisted on a brief resumption before we tucked into the hot meal and some bottles of Messrs Taylor, Fladgate and Yeatman’s finest. The three extra overs were pivotal. Leading scorer Ali returned to the middle, realised he was facing the demon 5th change bowler that Seeckts has become, and immediately scuttled back to the pavilion to put his box in. Two runs later, more focused on his manhood than his batting, he hoisted the ExEx to Scotty. His partner fell to Grinders on the same score. David then skittled his captaincy counterpart for a duck, and we lunched at 114 for 5. On resumption, Grinders picked up another, before a stand of 35 took our hosts to 155. Stu then held a neat c&b for the 7th wicket. Now, perusal of previous tour reports will clearly demonstrate that, on tour, infrequent bowlers and occasional batsmen get a chance to try the other discipline. Often with some superficial success, and much unsubtle musing about how ‘it’s not that difficult really’. Ask Dwight. And so it was that the ball found its way to the Puppy. 13 balls later, he had 3 for 6, Stu had a trio of catches and the opposition had folded for 157. Eight caught, two bowled.

9,000 Cryptic runs set off in search of 158 more. Cautiously. After 10 overs we had amassed 17. A boundary – rare on a wide, lush and slow outfield – so surprised Philip that he fell soon after for 11. Grinders wasn’t hanging about, and had stormed past Atkinson’s score before the latter was bowled for 18. And fell a run later, for 26. 73 for 3 became 78 for 4 (Hope-Dunbar, run out for 2 batting with Scotty) and 85 for 5 (Seeckts, caught without controversy for not very many). Scotty moved effortlessly to 25, mainly in 2s and saving his singles for the ends of overs, then, conscious of the benefits of a not out to his season’s average, limped off with a pulled hamstring. Puppy however blossomed with a measured 19, then Rod and Bridges got the Bells Jingling to give us a 4 wicket victory. Our hosts used nine bowlers, and provided our highest individual contribution, with 37 extras.

The evening was rounded off by our hosts entertaining us to a fine meal in the club’s dining room, where traditional gifts were exchanged between the teams, and our captain’s speech was mercifully brief.

Sunday 7 Sep 2014
Oporto Cricket & Lawn Tennis Club 169-9 dec (59 overs)
Surrey Cryptics CC 170 for 6 (41.3 overs)
SCCC won by 4 wickets
Oporto CLTC won toss

A cursory fitness assessment on the second morning revealed the wisdom of bringing a large squad. Limping wounded included PAJ (Achilles), Atkinson (knees, generally), Stu (hamstring), Scotty (hamstring), Rod (hamstring) and Goss (recovering hamstring). Also suffering were Seeckts (Constant Bowel Syndrome) and Puppy (chronic xenophobia). Remarkably, Pippa (select from drop-down) was skipping about like a spring lamb.

Eventually, an assemblage of the halt and the lame made it to the pitch. Bridges, on his captaincy debut, proved himself a worthy holder of the office by losing the toss. Exercising the privilege of Cryptic captains over the years, he took the new ball himself, and started proceedings with a wide. That, however, was just the start of a fine all-round performance as he took 1 for 5 from six overs, and skippered the side with assurance and an inclusiveness that got everybody a bowl, including a reluctant Gavin, who put down four entirely acceptable overs before becoming the latest victim of the hamstring curse. Richard Atkinson bowled his first completed over this century, and took his first wicket since he had an Old Salesians batsman caught by James Brooke-Webb in 1994 (a match in which, coincidentally, JB-W top scored with 9, as we were rolled for a Cryptic all-time low of 37). This was Richard’s first wicket when he wasn’t captain.

Oporto limped to 21 for 3 from 13 overs, but pushed on to 93 for 3 at lunch. This had taken 35 overs, but they were clearly determined to dig in and set a target, learning from the previous day’s pre-lunch wobble. Shortly after lunch two more fell in quick succession, one of them a steepling catch by Grinders that was remarkable for the number of times he changed direction as he tried to line it up, and never looked for a moment like catching it. A late flurry saw the total move on to 169, when Gossy, returning for a third spell, clattered the stumps and Oporto declared on 169 for 9. Gossy’s bowling was quite remarkable. In eight overs he put in four maidens. He conceded just six runs, picking up his second Cryptic 5-for, and setting a personal best for the club, helped not least by a couple of catches to the gloves of room-mate Ware.

As not out batsmen from the previous day, the kittybitches opened the batting, taking us to 21 before the skipper departed for 7. We moved steadily to 108 for six, with double-digit contributions from Stu (20) and Tommy (15). At this point, with roomies Goss and Ware at the crease, Oporto heads began to droop, feeling that our last four wickets were easily worth the 62 needed. Obviously they’ve not been following our website. When the last four wickets have been called upon this season, they’ve contributed 14 (South Nutfield), 19 (Stoke d’Abernon) and 17 (Woking & Horsell). However, it was clearly supposed to be Gossy’s day, and he brought up his third Cryptic 50 with the winning run, ably supported by Pup with an undefeated 30. Just one short of extras. Paul’s double of 5-and-50 in the same match is only the second time this feat appears in our records, after Scotty at Blackheath in 2011 (and guess who was captain that day, then?).

So, another successful tour, against generous and sociable opponents who – on another day – could have turned us over. It only remained to stay up late and drink the bar out of port. Really, in Porto? Well that was what the night porter said, and we weren’t going to argue.

Player by Player Guide

David Grindrod – clearly thrives on captaincy, top-scoring with the bat and returning figures of 3 for 17 on Saturday. Still forgets where he asks himself to field. Sunday marked merely by a surprising catch. Initiated the Cryptics ‘family tree’, which may, one day, see the light of day and which will clearly demonstrate his pre-eminence as the club’s star breeder. Such a loss to the toastmasters circuit.

Paul Bridges – strategic thinker in the kittybitch partnership, excellent outcome to captaincy debut on Sunday, with a strong hand on the tiller, meaning he opened both batting and bowling. Shares his 100% record with Scotty, Gazzola and Benham. (Who? Ed) Exalted company indeed. Doubled up as the David Bailey of the tour, equipped with a zoom lens that would even pick up the serial numbers on Tommy’s white fivers.

Stu Henniker-Smith – implementer in the kittybitch partnership, ensured no-one was thirsty for long, taxi cash was distributed before departure, and restaurants were paid when absolutely necessary. So much of a team player that he pulled a hamstring to complete his sense of inclusion. Has now taken more catches in two years with the Cryptics than Rod has in 127 matches over 19 seasons.

Paul Goss – on a winner as soon as his luggage arrived at the right airport first time around. After that, from the moment he opened the cricket by winning the single wicket until closing it with the winning run on Sunday, lived life in Porto to the full. Never lost for a word, had an excellent Sunday game to celebrate his wedding anniversary. Now leading wicket-taking tourist.

Tom Ware – willing accomplice of room-mate Goss, full of life with whatever came to hand, whether it be bat, ball or gloves. Notably successful in all three disciplines. Supplied without doubt the smartest (and most expensive) tour kit yet. Volume control remains stuck on max, not least when regaling the French passengers on Friday’s boat with the hilarious English words to La Marseillaise.

James Scott – Struggled to locate the correct bedroom and remains unaware that the Oporto Club serves breakfast. Between wetting his seat on the outbound plane and retiring hurt with a tugged hamstring (and a very cheeky not out) on Saturday, it all went well. Something of a square peg in the ample round hole that is the scorer’s seat on Sunday.

Philip Wright – set a personal best by both arriving on, and departing, the tour in a state of full fitness (and bringing a toothbrush – Ed). Relatively modest contributions in the games, but remains comfortably at the top of the international aggregates. Some dilapidation in personal grooming caused by roommate’s bathroom monopoly.

Richard Atkinson – Senior man and late addition to tour, like Cowdrey in 1974, dragooned into playing both days when others fell apart. Used the tour to reach his highest season’s run aggregate this century and take his first wicket since he was captain in 1994. Probably won’t tour again, to protect his position at the top of the overseas bowling averages.

Richard Seeckts – well-balanced tour with a ‘full house’ of a wicket, a catch and a run. Five wides, mind you, when forced to bowl with the ball at its wettest. Volunteered to score the winning run on Sunday at No.11 until Gossy and Pup tore up the script. Scorned and lauded in equal measure for the courageous decision to produce Marmite at breakfast.

Charles Hope-Dunbar – remarkably, without a boundary across two innings. Victim of a filthy run out on Saturday, argument with roommate Scottie over responsibility will rage until Scottish independence. (Didn’t they? Shame – Ed.) Demonstrated broad knowledge across subjects as diverse as wind farms and personal weaponry, and…well, port, obviously. Bought something so Melton Mowbray from a Portuguese milliner that PAJA almost ate it.

Rod Edwards – basked in the glory of masterminding another excellent and efficient tour schedule, capped by a lovely, lazy, five-hour meander down the Douro on Friday. Secondary role as auxilliary lensman. Called in as replacement on Sunday when the fourth (or was it fifth?) hamstring went and found his future natural habitat as 12th bowler used, though deficiencies of the Cryptics software have already consigned his uneventful over to oblivion.

Gavin Cooper – took to touring, when a lot of rubbish is talked, often loudly, like a duck to water. The duck will have to wait, however, as he didn’t get a bat. After a bye-free first match, graciously conceded the gloves to a range of successors on Sunday, only to remember what running around does to your body when becoming our fifth hamstring victim. Would have taken his first wicket but for a dropped catch. Welcome to the Cryptics. Demonstrated a worryingly high level of knowledge of Rugby League for one not obviously from t’North.

Peter Andrew – quiet time on the pitch in single match, but crept a little closer to that tantalising 255th wicket. Had to be dragged away salivating from the hi-tech, touchscreen iPad-based scoring system used by the opposition. Now exploring how much match fees must go up in 2015 to acquire our own version. Only Cryptic to tour in his 40’s, 50’s and 60’s.